Did I just say that? Of course I did!

It is most apparent, even to myself, I have a problem with saying too much. Or saying the 'wrong thing' or even just saying anything. What boggles me is how I, soft-spoken and quiet, let my words get me into so much trouble. Sure I may be goofy and funny, but for the most part I am quite introspective.
So how on earth do I make such messes? Perhaps, it is my honesty?
Ah, hell, it doesn't matter.

I will offer my apologies with sincerity and hope forgiveness will come. Without going into details, I offended a friend by poorly explaining my thoughts on friendship. I did one helluva piss poor job and I do hope to make a better go of it here...

You see, there is so much hurt in me right now, I feel the inherent need to protect myself. Within this protection I will like, adore, love my friends, BUT will keep a distance and try not to care about how they feel towards me. In short, I won't let myself get caught up in the dance of "does she like me?", "what if I do this?", "was that offensive?". Getting wrapped in these thoughts only leaves me open to more hurt.

I am taking the time to just be myself and keep people at arms distance. BUT, maybe it wasn't too smart on my part to tell this to a truly good friend.

"Blah blah blah... of course I don't care what you think of me... stupid stupid stupid... at this point in my life, I don't think I ought to... dumb dumb dumb..."

In honor of my apparent retardation, the lyrics to John Mayer's "My Stupid Mouth" (granted, this is about a date, but it fits nonetheless).

MY STUPID MOUTH:

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...