The Static.

My sadness about separating from The Mister comes in waves and this morning there is a small tsunami washing over me. Thank goodness it is Thursday! As I've mentioned before Thursday is my favorite day of the week and today, I need all the help I can get.

Mostly, it becomes difficult to face forward and see the bright side when I'm tired and last night I couldn't sleep. My guess is I should not write things like what I am about to, because The Mister is not comfortable. However, this is my blog.

...

It makes me so sad to know The Mister doesn't seem to think I am worth the effort. Frankly, that is what hurts the most. Knowing that in order to be together, he expects me to live his life and what I may want or need does not matter. I know I'm being vague, but specifics aren't important. Truthfully, it is nobody's business and this is all I am comfortable putting out there. Essentially, it comes down to this: What he wants has changed; what I want has not.

And thus The Static.

This endeavor has been difficult in explanations to family and friends because The Mister and I are so good together. We have fun and care deeply for each other. One friend asked, "I am a bit confused though, if you are still living together and still best friends, then what is the problem?" I wish beyond my biggest dreams I could answer that as simply as it sounds.

There is a large amount of self-sacrifice when it comes to marriage: The key is knowing what parts of Self are worth Sacrificing. I got it all wrong, as did The Mister. The flipside of self-sacrifice is selfishness. Selfishness does not have to be intentional or malicious; it can be oblivious and well-intentioned, "I know what is best...". No matter, it is still selfish. Perhaps, one party has been a bit selfish all along and the other has decided it's now their turn. I do not blame either of us and at the same time blame us both. We created this mess together.

What friends and family can't seem to wrap their heads around is our problems have been going on for years. We've only been married four... Maybe it is naive to think the Mister and I can remain friends, but I believe it. My heart could not take it if he did not want to be my friend. I'm tough, but I think that might break me. Thankfully, The Mister has said (and shown) he wants to remain friends as well. Perhaps for this blog, I will have to start referring to him as "The Artist Formerly Known As The Mister" or more simply, The Former.

At the very core, I am truly happy, though. I have always held true people are inherently Happy or Sad. I am a happy person who can throw in the towel and just laugh at the wreckage. Knowing The Mister will always be a best friend is enough to have made it all worthwhile. We don't argue or fight and this has all been quite dignified. (With the exception of one misguided drunken evening in Adams Morgan where I may have ended up hand and knees on the ground having fallen -POOF!- between two cars after an argument in a bar. Quite classy. Decidedly not one of my finer moments.) However, if I can manage to make it through this with a little pride...

I mean to say, I find this all quite embarrassing. I am so young! Perhaps that is a large part of the problem. Actually, I'm fairly certain it is.

The matter of Friends is also a point of anxiety. I have had some quite disappointing and quite uplifting reactions. Friends who say without blinking, "I love you both and will be whatever you may need" make me well with emotion. Friends who imply they have bigger fish to fry are not friends and make me want to respond, "Well fuck you, too." Instead, they are met with silence. When the chips are down, you learn so much. Many of the people I considered friends had come with The Mister. It is obvious their loyalties lie with him, as they should, but I do wish they could see The Mister and I are not on opposite sides. The Mister and I are both fighting battles, just not against each other.

My most current concern is where I go next. Although I have been working at a local radio station, it is not full time. In many ways it would make sense to pick up a backpack full of books and go back to school. I would love to teach English, but money is quite the concern for this Super. Where to live is also a concern and I am not sure Washington is the place to figure it all out. As long as I can remember, living abroad has piqued my interest. However, Ohio feels safe. I can't help but laugh at that dichotomy!

At this point, it is easy to admit I have much trepidation at the waters ahead. There is a vast ocean and I've only just stuck in my toes.

But no worries, dear readers. Today is Thursday; a day that rocks my week and propels me into a better spirit! Hmmm... Strangely enough, just writing that little bit up there has made me feel a bit more like my perky self! There is something to be said for 'getting it off your chest"... Even if my chest can't stand losing much of anything, I still feel a bit improved!