Confession of the year.

I've recently been trying to come to terms with the fact I have suffered with depression for many years. It is probably a bit shocking to most who know me, because for the most part, I'm pretty darn happy-go-lucky.
Well, much of that is a big fat lie. I have been this way as long as I can remember. Even as a very little kid I had night terrors, insomnia and I would get so scared at night I would wet the bed because I was paralyzed with fear.
My depression is unpredictable and comes at the most random times. Some days I can't get out of bed, many nights I can't go to bed. As an adult, I think I've found a good balance for myself. However, deep dark times still strike me when I least expect it, but usually I just press on and push through. Those bad times are quite occasional now, and I owe much to my amazing husband. His understanding and love are more than I ever knew to ask for.
I don't take any medicine for my problems and I should see a therapist, I'm sure. I was soured on the thought when The Mister and I had to have "couples counseling" before getting married as part of the deal with the dude who hitched us. The man we went to was a nut job psychiatrist who told us to cut all ties with The Mister's family. Although that prospect was tempting at the time, it did not seem like reasonable or intelligent advice. And I haven't seen anybody since then.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so scared all the time. Pittsburgh came over last night and when we told him about my jury duty he got very serious. He had genuine concern I may get a grizzly case.

Maybe I'm not fooling anybody.

For so many years I have felt like hiding...from my friends, family and the World in general. This is not a subject I want to talk about, not even with my best friend. I've often thought it unfair, "I'm too damn funny for depression!" Perhaps writing this -even without going into details- will help me get to a point where I feel no shame. All I ask is: If you know me in real life, please, don't pity me; treat me no differently; and above all, leave the light on.